The Real Me
by KABill
Summary: After four years of being Jem, Jerrica is quickly arriving at her breaking point. She struggles with figuring out what do with a life that does not include Jem and how to salvage her relationship with Rio if he finds out the truth.
1. Show Me the Way

**The Real Me**

_Authors Note_: I do not own any of the characters.

_Summary_: After four years of being Jem, Jerrica is quickly arriving at her breaking point. She struggles with figuring out what do with a life that does not include Jem and how to salvage her relationship with Rio if he finds out the truth. The other Holograms slowly start to separate in order to fulfill personal dreams.

Jerrica's head throbbed as she sat at her desk, going over the month's invoices. She had to spend a late night at the office to get everything before the benefit concert the holograms were playing at for muscular dystrophy. Having two separate lives was beginning to exhaust her more than ever before. She felt as though she was getting no sleep, had no personal time, and her time with the Starlight girls as Jerrica was limited. Jem was taking up more and more of her time. The worst part is she could feel Rio becoming distant from her and closer with Jem. Which she couldn't completely blame him, since he saw Jem more than Jerrica. Any time she had as herself was rarely spent alone with him since she had to run both Starlight Music and the Starlight home.

* * *

Letting out a sigh, Jerrica let out a deep breath. She needed a break from this paperwork. Nothing would get accomplished unless she cleared her head. Jerrica got up from her desk and made her way down the hall. The perfect thing to help her relax would be to sing. That was the one thing she absolutely loves about being Jem, she got to sing. Her mom would be so proud of her if only Jaqi could see her on stage. 

Going into one of the recording studios Jerrica set up the instrumental track for _Show Me the Way_. She put her heart into this song because right now she felt as though she was lost. For three and a half years she lived as two people and it was starting to tear her apart. Decisions were going to have to be made. Starlight Music was successful enough and had several popular groups that Jem and the Holograms were not longer necessary. In fact their popularity was slowly waning. Maybe now was the time to dissolve the group.

Stormer had been asking Kimber to do another album together. Craig wanted Aja to come to England with him. Shana was having more and more people interested in her dresses, so much that she had to turn people away because she did not have enough time. And Raya….well Raya could easily find a position with another band, or Jerrica would be willing to offer her a position as a music executive. With the other three girls pursuing other option she would need help running Starlight Music.

Rio had come to starlight music in an attempt to pull Jerrica away from her work. Kimber has said that her older sister had been at the office since dawn, and with it well past nine PM, it was time for Jerrica to call it a day. Before he made it to his girlfriend's office, he heard someone singing. The voice sounded very similar to Jem's but there was something softer about it. From what he could tell whoever was singing sounded as though they were singing from their very soul.

He found the room with the door open and was surprised to see Jerrica was the one singing. Her eyes were closed, and there was something serene about her, despite the ache he heard in the lyrics. Instead of letting her know he was there, he took a seat behind the controls and just listened to her. It was times like this that reminded him of the Jerrica she was before her dad died maybe even before her mom's death. She seemed full of worry, yet carefree at the same time. Her voice was amazing and he wondered why they brought in Jem to be the lead singer when Jerrica was just as good if not better.

Show me the way (Show me the way),  
Oh won't somebody  
Show me the way (Show me the way),  
The right direction  
Show me the way (Show me the way),  
The right connection  
Show me the way, oh, Show me the way (show me)  
Show me the way, oh, Show me the way (show me)  
Show me the way, oh Show me the way (the way, the way, the way)

As the song finished Rio clapped softly, drawing her attention to him. Her eyes widened, and her cheeks turned pink with embarrassment at being caught. Not even Kimber heard her sing since their mom's death. This was her secret indulgence, something private.

"That was truly amazing Jerrica. I never knew you sang." Rio said walking up to her. He leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss hello.

She just blushed again. "Uh, thanks. It's not something I do very often. I just needed a quick break from all my paperwork. But now I'm ready to hit the books again."

"Oh no you don't" Rio caught her arm before she could walk away. "Kimber told me how many hours you are putting in here, and it's not healthy. You are going to suffer from exhaustion. You need to go home and get some sleep."

Jerrica shook her head. "I can't Rio. There is too much to be done still. Our quarterly taxes are do soon, and Jem has three more concerts now and between then. I've got to get done what I can now. Otherwise there just won't be time."

"Why won't there be time?" Rio looked at her confused. She didn't spend nearly as much time with the band as she had when they first started. Truth was she was often absent from their practices and concerts.

"Because there is so much work to do." Her eyes got wider as she talked. "Do you know all the behind the scenes work I have to do? Not too mention taking care of the girls since Mrs. Bailey is getting older. I've got to do it ALL."

Rio spoke with a soft calm voice. "You don't have to do it all. All you need to do is ask for help. We all will help you. I bet ever Jem would pitch in more."

For whatever reason hearing Rio mention Jem, caused something inside Jerrica to snap. She glared at him. "Oh yes I forgot Jem is so wonderful! She is sooo perfect. Tell me Rio if she is so wonderful why hasn't she told you who she is? I know you two have been having an affair behind my back for years now! Why is it that she only shows up for concerts and things; yet I am the one who does ALL the work and get none of the credit! I am so sick of JEM!"

Before Rio could react, Jerrica's eyes rolled to the back of her head and she started to fall. Reacting as fast as possible, Rio managed to catch her head right before it would have smacked the hard ground. He sat down and rested her head in his lap. What had just happened? Had she really thrown his relationship with Jem in his face? It was true though lately he had not appreciated all the work Jerrica really did do. In fact the Starlight girls usually showed their gratitude to Jem and ignored Jerrica more and more.

After no more than a minute or two, Jerrica slowly started to regain conscience. Through blurry eyes, she looked at Rio, slightly confused. What was going on? Why was Rio with her, and where were they? Wasn't she just at her desk going over bills?

"Hey," Rio spoke softly. He gently stroked her hair, and gave her a soft smile.

"You had me worried. How are you feeling?"

"Ugh, like something exploded in my head. What happened?"

Rio looked slightly guilty. "We were having an argument and you passed. Are you okay now?"

Jerrica attempted to nod, but grimaced in pain. Her hands on instinct went to hold her head. There wasn't any way she was going to finish her paperwork tonight. "I guess you win. Care to give me a lift back to the mansion?"

"Sure, Aja and Kimber can pick up your care tomorrow." Rio carefully helped her stand. Instead of letting her walk, he carried her like a princess. Rio continued to hold her close all the way to his car.

The drive back to the Starlight Mansion was silent. Jerrica spent the entire ride staring at her window. Even after eating a pack of peanut butter and crackers from her desk drawer, she still felt dizzy. Of course it didn't help that she realized that she admitted to Rio that she new about his and Jem's relationship. Now they were going to have to discuss it, and she knew it meant that eventually come clean about her role.

"Hey you okay?" Rio asked as they pulled into the drive way.

Jerrica nodded. "Yeah, it just hit me how tired I am. Thanks for the ride."

He watched as she started to get out of the car. He quickly turned off the ignition, grabbed the keys, and rushed to her side. "Hey easy there. Why don't you let me help you up to your room and tuck you in nice and tight?"

Knowing how stubborn Rio could be, Jerrica just nodded her submission. Truth was nothing sounded better than snuggling close to him, just enjoying being close to him. Back when her father was still alive, she and Rio would spend hours just being close. Of course now he was gone, and she was the adult who had to take on all the responsibility. It was obvious that none of the other girls were going to step up.

Rio waited very patiently for Jerrica to change into her nightgown. He stood, almost rigidly outside her door. It had been so long since they had been close like this. For the past several years Jerrica had been fiercely independent. She rarely asked for help, and usually when she did it was for mundane things.

A few minutes later, Jerrica opened up the door to allow her boyfriend access to her room. She crawled into her queen size bed, and pulled the down comforter to her elbows. Rio sat at the edge of the bed, but close enough where he could gently sweep a piece of hair that was getting in her eye.

"Okay, well I am going to head over to my apartment. Can we have lunch tomorrow?"

Even though she didn't have much if any free time, Jerrica gave him a smile. She covered his hand with hers and brought it to her lips. "Yes… But don't go. Just stay with me tonight and hold me?"

He and Jerrica had never been physically intimate, but often they would slept together. Usually it was in her bed, but occasionally she would send nights at his apartment. Luckily Rio didn't need encouragement. He swiftly stripped off his shoes, socks, and pants. Leaving him in just his t-shirt and boxer. Quickly, he crawled underneath the covers with Jerrica.

She eagerly went into his arms, so that her head rested just under his chin. Until now, she never really just how much she had missed being close with him. How had they let each other drift so far apart? She closed her eyes in contentment of being held her first love. As she laid there her mind drifted to the first time she and Rio shared a bed.

Summer of 1977

Today was the day that the funeral for Jerrica's mom. The family had to bury and empty casket since Jaqi's body had been burned in the plane crash. Jerrica had remained emotionless at the ceremony, as the oldest it was her duty to remain strong. Her father was crying along with Aja and Shana. But the worst was Kimber, who was absolutely bawling, and clung to Jerrica like a life preserver. So Jerrica did the only thing she could, controlled her sadness and offered what comfort she could to her family. She had to be the rock.

Across the crowd that had gather, Jerrica made eye contact with Rio. Though he was not crying, there were tears in his eyes. But there was more to it, his deep blue eyes were offering her comfort when he physically could not. And for the first time all day, she felt cared for.

The rest of the funeral was a blur along with the reception. Before Jerrica was aware of it everyone in the house was asleep. She wandered around the silent house unsure what do to with herself. She wished she could go to sleep, but she kept seeing her mom's plan crash whenever her eyes were closed.

Finally fed up, Jerrica slipped on a pink sweatshirt over her pajamas. With the stealth of a silent thief, she snuck out of her house. She headed towards Rio's house without thinking. She was fortunate because there was a large tree right next to his window. Thanks to Aja, Jerrica was able to climb the tree with some efficiency.

Rio was just beginning to doze off when he heard a soft tapping noise. It took a moment for the noise to register in his groggy mind. When he realized it was coming from the window, he immediately went to check it out. He received a shock to find a lost looking Jerrica, holding onto the branch of the tree with one arm, and tapping on his window with the other.

"Jerrica? What are you doing here? " He asked as he opened his window. "Do you know what time it is?"

She took the hand he offered and allowed herself to be pulled into his room. She stood nervously in front of him since it was her first time in his room. It took a moment for her to find her voice.

"I…I…I'm sorry, but I couldn't sleep."

He finally noticed that she was shaking and he could see the pain in her eyes. Of course she was upset because of her mom, and he hadn't been able to talk to her earlier. Jerrica had spent the entire reception making sure everyone else was taken care of.

"Come here," Rio said softly. He pulled her into his arms and held her tight.

Once in the safety of Rio's embrace Jerrica finally gave into the tears. Her hands clutched his t-shirt as she cried softly for her loss. She was so lost in her grief that she didn't notice that Rio had moved them to his bed.

"C'mon you can stay here tonight. I'll set my alarm so you'll have plenty of time to get back to your room before anyone wakes up.

Jerrica nodded and laid down in her arms. For the first time since her mom died she knew that there would be someone there for her to lean on. She could remain strong for her family as long as she had Rio there to be strong for her.

"You can sleep now," Rio whispered. "I'll be here when you wake up."

And sleep Jerrica did, the best sleep she had gotten since saying bye to her mother at the airport.

End Flashback


	2. One of Those Days

**Part 2: One of Those Days**

Authors Note: sorry this chapter took me longer to type up than expected, but its done now, hopefully chapter three won't take as long.

* * *

"No, I'm afraid that will not work….Jem and the Holograms have a benefit tomorrow night….The gala Howard Sanz is throwing for Muscular Dystrophy….Oh you will be?... well yes, I guess you could interview the band after their set…well I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you took a few random pictures of them through out the evening…okay we will plan for you to meet with them after their done performing…Thank you Jim, and we'll see you tomorrow."

Jerrica hung up the phone with a heavy heart. She had been hoping to be Jem for the concert, and then get to be herself for the rest of the gala. But it looked like Rio would be taking Jem as his date. Another night where "Jerrica" was going to be unexplainably busy. It would be nice to live her life just for herself. Though once Jem was gone for good, she would still be responsible for the Starlight Girls and taking care of the Holograms. She always was the caregiver after Jaqi died.

With a glance at her watch, Jerrica let out a groan. It was already half past two; another day without eating breakfast or lunch. If she was lucky then she would get home in time to eat with everyone else. If she was lucky then she would get home in time to eat with everyone else. Now she just needed to finish these bills and she would be done with the quarterly taxes. Of course then she would get to work on going over the next three months schedule for Jem. And she needed to figure out how to discuss with everyone about the possibility of disbanding.

"Ms. Benton," Mrs. James' voice came over the speaker in Jerrica's office. "There is a Mr. Hollister on the phone for you. Says it's about the Fifth Arrid XX."

"Yes, Mr. Hollister?" Jerrica asked after picking up her phone and pushing line 1. "I'm sorry, I was unaware that there was a problem….no Sir the boys seem to get along great…well, I actually have not been on tour with them…no Derrick Alamaine is their manager…he's very capable….I'm sorry they cause trouble at their restaurant…please send Starlight Music the bill and we will take care of the expenses….Yes Sir…You have a good day and I am sorry for all the trouble caused…Of course I plan to take care of it myself…"

After hanging up the phone, she could feel her headache returning from the night before. It didn't help that her stomach was beginning to rumble as well. If she left now, she could take a lunch break, but she would be late getting home. Maybe it was time into looking for a Vice President, some one who could help out with running the company. No Jerrica couldn't do that cause she Truth was she hoped one day Kimber would come to work at Starlight. Of course that would be years from now, her younger sister was enjoying being a musician too much. Hopefully though one day they would run this company together as sisters and as partners.

"Mrs. James, could you get me Derrick Alamaine on the phone please?"

"Good afternoon Derrick, how are you doing?...I'm well thank you…Actually there is a problem…Mr. Hollister from De Shay's called…he claims that Arrid XX trashed his restaurant….Well this is the third complaint we've had in the past 2 months….It is your responsibility to keep them out of trouble….if they are that difficult then I should have been informed way before now…no…that is no excuse Derrick…Starlight Music is not going to manage any bands that are disrespectful and rude…no, if they want to be like that than they can go to Stinger Sound for a management…I'm serious one more report and they are going to be dropped from this record…It depends on how you handle any future situations…You worked very well with the Fifth Avenue Boys, maybe we can see about putting Oz with Arrid, he might be able to keep them in live better…yes I think that should work…I will see you and the band in my office in three days…Thank you Derrick, and I will see you soon."

This headache was going to call for 3 Ibuprofen. She swallowed them dry and went back to her paperwork. It took her another two and a half hours, but she finally finished the taxes. She picked them up and stuffed them in an addressed envelop. She picked them up and stuffed them in an addressed envelop. At least she just had to go over Jem and the Holograms schedule for the next few months. She also needed to come up with a way to start discussing the dissolution of the band. The sooner they started on it, the better they can spin it for the fans. The question was how to explain when Jem was suddenly out of sight.

After another hour and a half, she was finally done for the day. And she was in luck before it was only 5:27. She had time to get home and actually eat dinner with everyone. Rio might even be there. He often spent evenings at the Starlight Mansion. Or it might be possible for her to see him after the band practices. She wanted to thank him for the night before. Falling asleep in his arms had been amazing, but the waking up without him was not so amazing. But she knew it was for the best, they did not want the girls to get the wrong impression from him leaving her bedroom in the morning. They had made a promise to each other to wait until they were married to have . And they wanted to encourage the Starlight Girls to make the same decision.

It was nice to leave the office at a decent hour and Jerrica could feel her headache from early disappear. There was a nice breeze that helped keep things cool. It was the kind of day that Jerrica could just drive around for hours at a time. But it did not last for her. Only fifteen minutes into her drive, the Rocking Roadster ran over a pile of glass, which caused a flat problem.

This was a minor annoyance because Jerrica actually knew how to change a flat tire. Her dad made her learn before she got her license. She guided the car to the side of the road, so that she was not blocking traffic. Being careful of the speeding traffic, Jerrica made her way out of the car and to her trunk. She opened the trunk, only to discover that there was no spare tire.

"Kimber!" Jerrica growled in annoyance.

It took a little over an hour and a half before she was able to get a tow and her car fixed. She pulled into the mansion's driveway feeling exhausted.

The worst part was that she now had to spend several hours being Jem and practice for tomorrow nights concert. Inside the mansion Jerrica was greeted by two ticked off holograms, one who was annoyed, and another that looked more worried than anything else.

"Jerrica are you alright?" Raya asked, concern lacing her voice. She gave her friend a sympathetic look.

"I'm fine," she answered, a small smile gracing her lips.

Kimber however was not pleased. "Then where were you? Do you know how late you are? We've been waiting forever to practice."

"I'm sorry Kimber, but it wasn't my fault. I had a flat tire. And there was no spare in the trunk."

Shana cringed. "Sorry, I had taken it out last weekend to fit all my designing stuff in the trunk. I guess I forgot to put the spare back in."

"Its okay," Jerrica sighed. "I took care of it, but I am here and ready for us to practice now.

"Fine, but Sean is picking me up in an hour for a date. So let's make practice quick. I don't exactly get to spend a lot of time with Sean."

This Jerrica understood a little more than she wanted to admit. The less time she and Rio spent together, the more bitter she could feel herself becoming. It wasn't fair for Kimber to have to be in the same situation. They both had to grow up sooner than needed when there mother died. Kimber would have gone to college on a music scholarship if Emmett hadn't died when he did. Jerrica manage to graduate a semester early, but had finished her last semester living at home to help with the Starlight girls.

"Think you can handle one or two songs? Then you can get ready for your date. I know it has been a couple of months since you last go to spend anytime with Sean. And tomorrow night you won't get a chance to spend much time alone with him because of the benefit."

Kimber looked at her older sister with a slightly confused look. Where was the guilt trip about putting other people's needs before her own? "Are you sure? No lecture?"

"No lecture," Jerrica gave her a soft smile. "Kimber you're 22. It's okay to want to be your age. Go out tonight and have fun with Sean. We're going to be doing some of our earlier songs tomorrow anyway, so I am sure you've gotten enough practice over the years. "

"Outrageous!" Kimber jumped in excitement and hugged her older sister.

The group of girls went to their practice room. As they walked a light bulb went off in Aja's mind. She had forgotten to give Jerrica an important message.

"Jerrica, I forgot, Rio called a couple of times this afternoon. Something about him trying to call the office and not getting through and that you weren't in your office when he stopped by."

Dread filled Jerrica, she had forgotten about lunch with Rio. After waking up alone, part of her had thought the night before had been a dream. Then things had just seemed to fall apart at the office today, and she had completely forgotten about lunch altogether, especially eating with Rio. Oh he was not going to be happy.

"Do you want to go call him real quick?" Kimber asked softly.

Shaking her head, Jerrica gave a half hearted smile. "Nah, I can call him after we practice. He'll be up."

"For the first song, I thought we'd practice _One of Those Days_," Jerrica suggested and then maybe followed by _We Can Make a Difference_?"

"Are you going to change into Jem?" Raya asked.

"No, at least not for the first song. We'll see if any of the girls start to move around. If we hear them I'll change, but right now I'd rather not."

The Holograms seemed to understand, staying Jerrica was not a new occurrence for her when it came o practicing. She only wanted to be Jem when it was necessary. And they seemed to understand her need and respected it. In the first two years of them creating Jem and the holograms, most of her time was spent as Jem, and slowly she started to reclaim her life as Jerrica.

Sometimes it all breaks down  
Sometimes it comes apart  
Sometimes you feel like a clown  
You just can't make things start

Well, this is one of those days  
One of those, one of those days  
When nothing goes quite right  
And you're feelin' all uptight  
This is one of those days

Sometimes it all seems fine  
Sometimes you move along  
Sometimes it's time to shine  
And everything goes wrong

Well, this is one of those days  
One of those, one of those days  
When nothing goes quite right  
And you're feelin' all uptight  
This is one of those days

Well this is one of those days  
One of those, one of those days  
This is one of those days

They ended up singing two more songs before the group dispersed to take care of individual needs. Aja wanted to work out a little bit more, Shana went to finish the dresses, Kimber went off with Sean, Raya went to spend the night with her family, and Jerrica went to her room to call Rio in private.

She changed into her pajamas and crawled into her queen sized bed. Curling up underneath the covers, she picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number. After 6 rings, his answering machine picked up.

"Hi you've reached Rio Pacheco. I am unable to answer my phone, if you leave your message….and your number, I will get call you back when I can".

Jerrica let out a soft sigh into the phone. "Hi Rio, it's me. I am so completely sorry about lunch. I really was looking forward to it, but today has been absolutely crazy. Uhm, if you get this tonight call me back, I don't care how late. I…I…please call me back. Goodnight."

Jerrica hung up the phone as tears streamed down her cheeks. She buried her head into her pillow and let sobs over take her. Part of her knew she was over reacting, but after the day she had, not talking to Rio had cause a slight crack in the armor around her heart. When would it be the time to be happy? She eventually fell into a troublesome, hungry sleep.

Just a few blocks away Rio sat alone in his apartment staring at his answering machine. He knew he should have picked up when he found out it was Jerrica, but something had stopped him. For once he would like her to make him a priority in her life, instead of always pushing him away. He picked up his phone to call a private number. After hearing the familiar beep after the answering machine message, Rio left his message.

"Jem, its Rio. Where have you been these past few days? Is everything okay? Listen I was wondering if you wanted to try and get together for lunch or something before the benefit tomorrow night? I miss you."


End file.
